pain.

Few minutes ago, out to the blue, it begun to hurt. it hurts badly. I feel awful. I feel cold inside. But still, I'm not crying. I can't. It hurts so badly that I cannot explain. I should be angry. I would be angry. Instead, I feel empty. alone. I feel all the worst feelings I could find. It's unbearable. I pretend it's all right. I cannot speak to anybody. I'm alone. I make jokes on this. but inside, something it's breaking me from the roots. I cannot do this. I cannot go through this. I need you here. now. I search for a way to escape this. but I can't find it. I can't cry, and even if I could, I would not do it. I must be strong. but I'm feeling like a child left alone among strangers. nobody understand me. nobody can help me. the only person who could help me, is thousands miles away from me. I really can't do this. nothing souns interesting to me. and just an hour ago, I was fine. so what?what happened?why I am not able to control this? it sounds so unreal, so unbelievable. two weeks ago we were together. what am I supposed to do now, alone? I miss you. I speak to you on the phone, I text you, I chat with you, but it's not the same. I need the real you, bones and flesh, I need to feel how it was when you hugh me, how was your hand holding mine, like nothing could push you away from me. I just want to cry. I just want to be childish, pathetic, weak, and beg you to come back. it's not the same without you. your voice is not enough. I want to fall asleep and never wake up. or at least, to wake up in june, when you'll be here again. and I've got to study, I've got classes, I've got exams. I just want to run away from everything. just stay in silence, I want to be invisible to the rest of the world, which perhaps I already am. I don't want people talk to me. but at the same time, I desperately need someone to talk to. someone who could listen to me. someone who could be a friend, for once in my life. please, someone help me. I'm not such a bad person, there should be someone who want to get me out of this hell. because this is my personal hell. the thing I've always been most afraid of. to be left alone. without someone who lend a hand to me. please step forward. it's probably the time I need someone most. I'm not asking the moon.the point is I know myself, I'm not going to talk first. but I know what I used to be in this kind of situation. I made mistakes. I made mistakes and I'm still carrying the scars for that. I don't want new scars on me, neither metaphorically nor -above all- literally. I know what I am capable of. and I'm just trying to prevent all this. but I can't do this alone. I need someone. I need help. please.